Confession Time

This post is from 2016

I haven’t blogged for a while.

Not only because I’ve been away swanning about in California (soz!), but because I just haven’t been feeling it.

Not that I don’t enjoy blogging, I love it! I love connecting with you guys and (hopefully) giving something of value.

But I just feel like I don’t really have much to say about derby right now.

The past few months have been weird and have got progressively weirder. For reasons I don’t need to tell the world about, I’ve just not been enjoying derby. I love skating, I love playing and I love seeing my good friends, but the whole derby… *thing* has just not been good for a while.

My boyfriend persuaded me to take my skates on holiday; I wasn’t going to, I didn’t want to skate but took them “just in case”. And as it happens, I was too sick to skate in Palm Springs and timings didn’t work out in LA or any of the other places we visited, but I didn’t really care.

I skated for a whole 10 minutes on the pavement along Manhattan beach – which was actually great, you guys have the smoothest concrete, so jealous. But that was it! This holiday was 100% NOT about roller derby for a change.

I can’t even get that excited about watching derby at the moment (which makes me sad cus it was my fave)! Doesn’t help that I keep getting frustrated by the amount of powerjams* >.<

The past 3-and-a-bit years have been all derby all the time. Pretty much everything I’ve done has been arranged around derby or to include derby; watching derby, travelling to derby, talking about derby, training for derby!

This is a common thing; 99% of you are probably the same. But when derby stops being fun you start wondering; “Why am I putting so much into something that isn’t making me feel good?”

I haven’t forgotten the good times, the fun times, the sweaty times. I haven’t forgotten what derby has done for my mental health, my body, my self esteem and my friendship circle. But at the moment, derby and I are not in a good place.

I’m not blaming derby or any person specifically – it’s my shit, it’s how i’ve dealt with things, it’s the decisions I’ve made and the habits I’ve created.

I guess I’m having a derby existential crisisWhy am I here? What is my purpose? What is the meaning of it all? What if this is all a dream? 

“But is it really important, after all it’s just a hobby, right?”   “No, it’s so much more than a hobby!”   “Yeah, but is it really??!!” “ACK I DON’T KNOW ANY MORE!”

I’ve also been thinking about my job, what I’m doing with this blog, where i’m going in life (I’m 30 next year, what have I achieved?!) so this has compounded the problem.

There are too many good things about derby life to just give it up; when the team bond is good it’s so good,  playing derby is just so much fun; watching yourself and teammates develop is awesome; you meet and connect with so many like minded people, and, have I mentioned that derby makes you really fit whilst also giving you a drive to get fitter and stronger to play derby?

Like every relationship there are ups and downs, and the best relationships are the ones that can go through the storms together and come out the other side.

Let’s hope derby and I can ride out the storm….together.

Treble Maker 909 xx

 

UPDATE: I am now with Central City Rollergirls and couldn’t be happier! In fact, I recently got to live the dream taking part in a tournament in the USA!

 

*This is not a dig at any refs, this is just something that seems to be happening – I don’t know if it’s rule thing, a ref thing, a player thing, a team thing…. And I’m referring to the WFTDA Playoffs! Please, pleeeeaaasse less powerjams.

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