Confession Time

This post is from 2016

I haven’t blogged for a while.

Not only because I’ve been away swanning about in California (soz!), but because I just haven’t been feeling it.

Not that I don’t enjoy blogging, I love it! I love connecting with you guys and (hopefully) giving something of value.

But I just feel like I don’t really have much to say about derby right now.

The past few months have been weird and have got progressively weirder. For reasons I don’t need to tell the world about, I’ve just not been enjoying derby. I love skating, I love playing and I love seeing my good friends, but the whole derby… *thing* has just not been good for a while.

My boyfriend persuaded me to take my skates on holiday; I wasn’t going to, I didn’t want to skate but took them “just in case”. And as it happens, I was too sick to skate in Palm Springs and timings didn’t work out in LA or any of the other places we visited, but I didn’t really care.

I skated for a whole 10 minutes on the pavement along Manhattan beach – which was actually great, you guys have the smoothest concrete, so jealous. But that was it! This holiday was 100% NOT about roller derby for a change.

I can’t even get that excited about watching derby at the moment (which makes me sad cus it was my fave)! Doesn’t help that I keep getting frustrated by the amount of powerjams* >.<

The past 3-and-a-bit years have been all derby all the time. Pretty much everything I’ve done has been arranged around derby or to include derby; watching derby, travelling to derby, talking about derby, training for derby!

This is a common thing; 99% of you are probably the same. But when derby stops being fun you start wondering; “Why am I putting so much into something that isn’t making me feel good?”

I haven’t forgotten the good times, the fun times, the sweaty times. I haven’t forgotten what derby has done for my mental health, my body, my self esteem and my friendship circle. But at the moment, derby and I are not in a good place.

I’m not blaming derby or any person specifically – it’s my shit, it’s how i’ve dealt with things, it’s the decisions I’ve made and the habits I’ve created.

I guess I’m having a derby existential crisisWhy am I here? What is my purpose? What is the meaning of it all? What if this is all a dream? 

“But is it really important, after all it’s just a hobby, right?”   “No, it’s so much more than a hobby!”   “Yeah, but is it really??!!” “ACK I DON’T KNOW ANY MORE!”

I’ve also been thinking about my job, what I’m doing with this blog, where i’m going in life (I’m 30 next year, what have I achieved?!) so this has compounded the problem.

There are too many good things about derby life to just give it up; when the team bond is good it’s so good,  playing derby is just so much fun; watching yourself and teammates develop is awesome; you meet and connect with so many like minded people, and, have I mentioned that derby makes you really fit whilst also giving you a drive to get fitter and stronger to play derby?

Like every relationship there are ups and downs, and the best relationships are the ones that can go through the storms together and come out the other side.

Let’s hope derby and I can ride out the storm….together.

Treble Maker 909 xx

 

UPDATE: I am now with Central City Rollergirls and couldn’t be happier! In fact, I recently got to live the dream taking part in a tournament in the USA!

 

*This is not a dig at any refs, this is just something that seems to be happening – I don’t know if it’s rule thing, a ref thing, a player thing, a team thing…. And I’m referring to the WFTDA Playoffs! Please, pleeeeaaasse less powerjams.

Comments 11

  1. Hey, I hope you find the right answer for you. Whatever you decide, just wanted to let you know that I’ve found your blogging incredibly helpful and inspirational through fresh meat and beyond, so thanks! It’s a great resource that you should feel very proud for having created.

    1. Thanks Milley! I don’t think I want to quit – derby or blogging – because I love them both, but something needs to change. Thank you for reading and I’m really glad you’ve found my blog helpful! Thanks for stopping by and letting me know 🙂 xx

  2. Hi,
    That’s a shame, I like your writing style and can relate to your derby experiences. I also blog and over the past (six?) months I’ve found it difficult to blog so often, perhaps lacking fresh material.
    But if it’s no longer fun then it’s time to take a break. There is nothing wrong with that 🙂
    Have fun and relax, I’ll continue to read the archives. 🙂
    Steven

    1. Thanks Steven! Really nice to hear you enjoy my blog and find it useful. I definitely still love blogging but struggle to keep to any kind of schedule right now. What’s your blog? I’d like to check it out! 😀 xx

  3. Hang in there! Prior to the mere 6 month old baby-blog I’m writing now about derby, I blogged for nearly 5 years before just… stopping. I realised I wasn’t getting joy from it any more – ‘having’ to write blog posts felt like another obligation. Sometimes taking a break for blogging helps, other times I think you just realise that nothing bad will actually happen if you stop blogging altogether. For what it’s worth, you’re not talking into a void – I really like reading your blog and I’m sure I’m one of many!

    1. Thankyou Jess! I definitely don’t want to stop, I just need to find some inspiration again 🙂 Roller derby things away from the blog are improving so I’m hoping that will translate into my blog!
      I love your blog btw xx

  4. I had the same crisis last summer. Injury, politics, and just plateau in my skills left me trying to figure out where to go. I took 3 months off (our off season is in the summer) and I just focused on what I WANTED to do. I dug deep into my other passion – writing. I traveled. I skated outside for fun. I saw my friends outside of derby and reconnected. And in filling the well of my life with things that did not involve derby, I found my love for it again. When the starry-eyed romance in the beginning is over and you realize it is a lot of work, blood, sweat, bones (in my case), and tears – you wonder if it is worth it. My very good friend, who skated for 8 years, told me the other day – derby is good until it isn’t, and that’s when you walk away. I take comfort in that for some reason. The departure can be for weeks, months, even years ,but it will still be there.

  5. I’m not (yet) into roller derby (i’m still working on learning to skate), but I 100% know what you mean in regards to color guard. I was on the line for 6 years – and one season of wintergaurd that I LOVED.

    But I just gave up color guard this past season to focus on my studies in college, and I honestly think it was a great decision. It came at a time where it allowed me to do other things I had missed out on BECAUSE I had been at practice or an away game or XYZ. If I hadn’t quit color guard, I wouldn’t be in the same place I am today in regards to my relationship, my friends, and my studies and career future.

    I do miss it – I’ll walk by while the band is practicing and the feels hit. It was my life for six years, but at the same time, it wasn’t as much fun as it used to be. I still loved improving, still loved (most of) my teammates, still loved performing, but something was different and I needed a change.

    I do not regret my decision to leave at all. The way last semester worked out, if I HAD done color guard, I wouldn’t have been able to go home and visit my family, friends, and boyfriend pretty much at all due to my work schedule. I went home when I had the free time – and that free time fell right on every major event in color guard. Had I been on the team, things would have been drastically different.

    I miss the athleticism and am only now getting back into that (partially in efforts to learn to skate and join a roller derby in the future, not gonna lie), but I feel good. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted during my final season of color guard. However, my time with my equipment and the great women I sweat and yelled and cried with will always stay with me. Color guard shaped who I am as a person. I’ll forever be grateful for that.

    But I decided to let it go and start a new chapter in life. I have no regrets, even though I initially almost went to tryouts, almost emailed my captains, almost said “just one more season.” But I am so glad with where I am today.

    Hope this helps in some small way, and that you find your path. 🙂

    1. Thanks Mistique, its great to hear you look back on your times with such fondness. I dont think I’m anywhere near ready to quit derby yet but one day I’ll know the time is right 🙂

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